I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
