I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
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