clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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