We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Randomize
