Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
