I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
