I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
