Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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