You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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