i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
