A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
