Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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