i wish my penis had a tongue
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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