I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Even the bartender felt bad for me
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
