why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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