what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
