my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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