Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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