Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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