If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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