hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
