On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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