Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
