I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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