I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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