Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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