On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
