I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
