Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Never underestimate the power of titties
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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