How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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