Can i not drive my cunt home
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
