I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
