I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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