More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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