She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
