At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
