Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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