my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
