Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
