i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Please don't give away my fajitas
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
