My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
