it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
