I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
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