Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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