I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
