there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
