While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
