I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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