I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
