I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
