What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
