You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
