4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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