6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
