i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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